What surprises me most about my dad dying is how much I feel his love now. I feel loss but I also feel his love. Clear as day, stronger than ever.
I have a memory of walking with my family (mom, dad, brother) in Berkeley California in the 1970's. We went to the bookstore and I was given a tshirt. My dad filled my mind with dreams of going to college. I was only 10 years old. We walked around and I remember there were so many interesting people and street performers and I just thought Berkeley was the most amazing place. I remember my father and his love for me and for our adventure that day. It was a day I'll never forget.
That was 31 years ago.
In order for me to have the same feelings that I had on that day, you would have to take me to Mars and I'd have to love Mars.
Being older, means you know things and adventure is behind you in many ways. College is behind me. Berkeley seems small and while still a nice place, I'm not filled with wonder.
Middle age is a strange land filled with wisdom but also loss. You've lived enough to have been home in several different places, lived a few different lives, been a few different personalities, and then lost it all and rebuilt somewhere else.
Today I walked the labyrinth and I was overwhelmed with love for my nephew Jackson. I also got hit with the loss of my dad as I always imagine him standing near the labyrinth sending me love.
If you generate love for your family and friends, it really is eternal. They can feel it long after you leave this earth. My parents planted the seeds of my dreams and their love is so strong that I cannot imagine a day not rooted in it. Your love once given, lives on and on and on. It must travel the universe and back again, hitting the beloved again when they least expect it. We should hold back nothing because this is our legacy to each other.